Joueur du Grenier – Les jeux de sports

Joueur du Grenier – Les jeux de sports

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[Relaxing tune] *Phone ringing* Hello? -Hello? Hi, who’s that? -What are your worst games? My worst games? Why do you want to know that? -Obey, or horrible things will happen to you. Is this a joke?!? -Uh, no. If it was a joke I would have said: “Okay so it’s 2 eggs on a stove and the first one said: ‘Oof, it’s hot in here’ and the second said ‘OMG a talking egg!” Oh my god! It’s not a joke!!! -Hum, yeah. No but, I mean, it’s not a joke, it’s not funny. -Yeah, yeah that’s it, shut up, shut up, shut up. Now you’re gonna do exactly what I ask you. *creepy atmosphere* – What? But how would I..?
– So you’re gonna… – And why you…
– I want you to… – And what do I have to d–
– Xdjkllsmfiddfbl – Let me talk, fuck!
*creepy atmosphere* – I want you to go in your room and that y-
*creepy atmosphere* Okay!
*creepy atmosphere* *creepy atmosphere* – Seriously, what a dumbass this guy is!
*creepy atmosphere* *creepy atmosphere* But what do I have to do in my room? – Okay so you’re gonna go in your room and you- What?! You want me to test some shitty sports game?! – Oooh nooooo oooh noo…
– I didn’t say anything yet! – Ooooh nooooooooo ooh no no no…
-Oh god damn it, hello? HELLO!?! – no no no…
– Shit! This is unbelievable! HELLO? HELLO!?! *Opening* Oh la la, seriously… What I have to do is inhuman, really! You know, if you’ve already been to a market for retro video games, you should have noticed that games are getting more and more expensive. However, there’s one type of game that has kept very low prices, because they have aged really badly: these are sports games. Everyone has already played these games, however poor they were simply because they were the main type game with a multiplayer option, whatever the game: soccer, tennis, basketball, Olympics, shooting or whatever. *Duck Hunt sound effects* I hate this fucking dog. The one who claims to have never shot on him is a liar. If only we could… * noise shooting* Woah… * 8 bits sound effects* *8 bits sound effects* It’s a montage, it’s impossible to kill the dog in Duck Hunt on the NES, no need to spam me to ask how I did so. Let’s begin by soccer games, and one of the first soccer games I’ve played: Soccer. Yep. Football, quite simply. We can’t make a much shorter title than that. It’s as if Call of Duty were named “Bang Bang Boom.” The ball’s inertia by this time was really really long, it looks as if the players are kicking a bowling ball but… it’s not that bad; what really made me yell in this game, IT’S HIM! Who’s keeping the goals, seriously ?!? Gilbert Montagné ?!? (a blind singer ) Come on, that ball was on you! Ohhhhhh… Seriously: The goals are COMPLETELY empty! It looks like the goalkeeper is just randomly walking about the field, and eventually, sometimes, he’s on the path of the ball. Now look at this: now he went to kiss his grandma in the grandstand. By the way I think that this goalkeeper, later, became a referee in “Adidas Power Soccer 98”. One of the only soccer games where you can destroy a dude who didn’t have the ball without a penalty, just look at that: * violent punch* *punch* + *scream*
stressful music * Mortal Kombat sounds effects* Alright, let’s move on to basketball, with NBA All-Star Challenge. In general, when I buy a basketball game, I’m waiting to… be able to play basketball. But not here! In fact, what I didn’t know before buying this thing, is that here, we only make duels or free throws. Yep. It’s like if you were buying a soccer game but only make passes. *ball bounces heavily*
music: lullaby Even the audience looks like they will die of boredom.
music: lullaby And why would people come to see someone only doing free throws? And it’s alright to add the possibility to make duels or free throws in addition to a normal basket game, but making a game only based on this? * Sound effects of elapsed time* While we’re on the subject of basketball, let’s talk about White Men Can’t Jump, for the Jaguar. So the Jaguar is already one of the biggest scams in video game history. This console, released in ’93, tried to penetrate the market with its 64 bits, and that- (Note: ‘bit’ and ‘bite’ have the same pronunciation in French; the latter means ‘penis’) * quick back to the future* The Jaguar presented itself as the first 64-bit console, and everyone went: “Oh my God, it’s 4 times more powerful then my Mega Drive / Genesis or my SNES! That’s awesome! Even… if… I don’t know what a bit is, but it has 4 times more!” White Men Can’t Jump uses a weird mix between 3D and 2D and tries to pass it off for “revolutionary graphics,” but as my grandma said, putting shit in a crepe does not make it Nutella, and that’s why the result is horrible and unplayable. And you can believe me when I tell you that it’s impossible to evaluate distances with these graphics. I don’t understand absolutely anything that happens on the screen. This game is so bad that it should have been forbidden by the Catholic Church, I swear. I don’t have any words to describe it: the pixels are lawless, the controls are horrible, the camera is disgusting… play White Men Can’t Jump and you’ll have cancer, that’s all. But obviously, these are not the games that are familiar to you; when we talk about old sports games, you rather think about these: Summer Games, World Games, California Games, Track & Field. Almost every one of these games comes from the same company, Epyx; these are the kind of games made for playing with friends, but you’d never get to the end because everyone would be bored by half an hour and invent any reason to get back home. California Games, released in 1987 on the Master System and… Oh, oh… I don’t wanna play! I DON’T like sports games! I HATE sports! And What…
(seb)-No shit! (seb)-You don’t like sports? (seb)-We never doubt that– *gunshot* + *heavy fall to the ground* Alright, let’s begin with skateboarding! *ugly background “music”* *sigh* Alright, let’s begin with footbag! *ugly background “music”* Daaaaamn…*ugly background “music”* *ugly background “music”* Is it possible to make something more boring than this?*ugly background “music”* *ugly background “music”* Seriously but what is it?*ugly background “music”* Is this game a brain-death simulation?*ugly background “music”* *ugly background “music”* And what’s that music?*ugly background “music”* Does the musician have only just enough money to by a synthesizer with only three keys on it? *ugly background “music”* I can’t stop having pity for this guy alone on the grass, really… All he needs is a little placard to look more pathetic. Frisbee now. Alright, now let’s be serious: I mean, even if you’re really really really bad at Frisbee, how could you miss a throw as much as that? That’s ridiculous! Oh la la…. Do you know what I hate in these games? It’s that nothing is explained!!! We drop you in the game and that’s it! Find the keys yourself! I had to muck about with my controller for a full hour, trying the weirdest combinations possible before finding the right one. One must press 1 to prepare to throw, then press Left to move the bar, then press Right to adjust the power, and press 1 again to throw, and press 2 to catch it. And even if you understood that, on the other side, “Gertrude” here has to pick up the frisbee and I’m not able to do it. Come on, now! Why can’t she even bend? Is it too hard? COME ON! SHIT! It just passes right in front of her! Even the Soccer goalkeeper would’ve been able to catch it! Next time I’ll bring the dog, at least he’s able to catch it! And there’s a training mode in these games but… it’s exactly the same as in the normal mode! Nothing is explained. I hate California Games. No, I hate EVERY sports game but PARTICULARLY California Games! You would be really dumb to buy the sequel! (Seb)-Didn’t you just say that— *thunder* (Seb)-Okay, okay, I’ve said nothing, I’ve said nothing. California Games II with mini-games, much like the first. The only positive point of that game is the intro page. * Lively melody hummed by Fred * Yeah, I could do that all day long. Right, we begin with the body-board, and I think here we have the stupidest sports trial that I’ve ever seen in a video game. The only thing to do is press Down to turn around, and nothing else. There are figures and combinations according to the booklet but none of them work! The B1 button? B2? Well, okay, 1 and 2 are on the controller, but B? I’ve tried it and it doesn’t correspond to ‘bas’ (French for ‘down’), do I have to attempt to rape my Master System with a Nintendo controller? * hentai scream of rape* YAAA!! YAMETE!!! I’ve tried every possible combination; nothing works! So what are we supposed to do then? Well, we spin around. That’s it. During the whole test, up till the time the wave disappears, and we have to avoid… these… these… these “things” floating on the surface. [scream ]WARNING, A DIVER! [scream] A BARREL! [scream] A ROCK! [scream] AN OLD LADY! All this for what, in the end? To… to enter a stupid record which will be deleted when you close the console? Or to make a party at the end of the challenge with an old Brazilian Travelot? You don’t have any sense of priorities! Snowboard now. I guess we have to put the dude on top of the mountain… *scream of fall* : AAAAAAhhhh Or not… * Sounds of falls and blows * *breathlessness* *helicopter drop* + *Ouch* Oh great, another obstacle game. I’m not gonna even try that. Next! Hang-glider. *fall in 8 bit* Oh GREAT, kill me already! The game boasts to be able to support eight players, but… how on earth do you want to convince 8 people to play this thing?!? One person at a time, you’ve got one playing and seven who just wait around! It reminds me of these friends we’ve all had, you know, that one friend who invites you to his place to play with his console, and finally, he played in front of you and you just waited behind, it’s all the same! I’m not gonna play everything, eh, I could also talk about Summer Games or World Games, like such interesting games as throwing logs in Scotland or racing on floating tree trunks in Canada… but that’s fine. The box says that these are “world class” sports, so it goes! Let’s go to a game where everyone’s at least attempted: Track & Field. So, regardless of whether you started this game on the NES, on SEGA, or on PlayStation for the younger among you, you have all played this game. You know exactly why I’m talking about this game, it’s THE first game to introduce the idea of masturbating the controller, where you had to press A and B in rapid succession to go faster. (Seb)-Ah shit! There, you won the 100 metre dash. Hahahaha, *that* is mastery, ha ha! I’ll be back, ha ha ha… AAAARGH! *scream of pain* MY AAAAARM! ARGH, FUCK, IT HURTS, I’M SUFFERING EVERYWHERE, AAAAARGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG! AAAAAHHHA…aaah… ah… *hum hum* (Seb)- Shall we continue? (Fred)- Would you rather play SimCity? That being said, I also remember that with these games, it was also the occasion for everyone to expose their favourite personal techniques to win, everyone had more or less their special secret technique to rub the controller. There’s the table technique, which… didn’t work. There’s the T-shirt technique, which didn’t work either. Or there was the “put the controller between your legs” technique. But let’s not take it out of context. *scrached disk* But all of this is just too sweet, it’s too soft. I invented some REAL aggressive techniques, which really worked. For example: you could hit your opponent with your elbow to distract him… *Ding!* You could discreetly unplug or steal his controller… A classic, but it always works! *Ding!* Or other diverse techniques which worked just as well. *CRASH!* *Ding!* But what really pisses me off in that game is that nearly every event was based on the same principle. I mean, did they really test their game? Anybody would have noticed that into the third event of the game, a normal human being would suffer from tendinitis! In the next games, they added some new tests which played differently, but I never understood how it worked. The best way to get a high score, it was just simply to… * NES sound effects* …and it worked. By the way, you wanna know another fantastic quality of this game? It’s that if you enter into a championship, and you manage to pass EVERY test before it but you fail just ONE event, it’s done! Game over. The game returns to the title screen, and you have to start all over from the beginning. And who would want to start this kind of game from the beginning? Even in masochism there’s more fun than this! Games like these only bring about a state of pure suffering! And I’d prefer to accept anything else rather than continue with this! -La, lala, la lalalala, lala, lala… *creepy atmosphere* Alright, listen! *creepy atmosphere* You won, I give up, it’s unbearable. *creepy atmosphere* -What? What did I win? *creepy atmosphere* You won your thing, here… *creepy atmosphere* -Listen, here’s what you’re going to do… *creepy atmosphere * *creepy atmosphere* No! [scary music] NO![scary music] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! [scary music] [scary music] [credits] Translated by: Lexy Games
And have been reviewed by the fabulous Amé Akatsuki who only corrected some tiny mistakes (Re-reviewed by Troisnyx who corrected TONS UPON TONS of mistakes. Moving on…)

100 comments

  1. 😂😂 dsl Fred mais visiblement tu n’as pas trouvé la technique ultime pour gagner à Track n field : "la technique du stylo"

    tu chope un stylo et tu gratte les touches de la manette avec le "cul" du stylo

    Avantage : tu gagnes à tous les coups
    Inconvénient : tu achètes une nouvelle manette tous les mois

  2. Il n'y a pas tout les JDG classique dans la playlist ?
    (C'est le 22eme JDG , et il n'y en a que 2 avant , où sont les autres du coup ?)

  3. Voilà le JdG que j'ai connu et que j'aimais bien voir. Celui qui délirait sur de vieux jeux rétro, sans se prendre la tête, sans se prendre au sérieux. Ce serait bien qu'il revienne un peu aux sources, parfois. Cette époque me manque… 🤔

  4. Moi c'était la technique des cheveux de Playmobil 🙂 tu met ton doigt dedans et tu passes d'un bouton à l'autre 🙂 et ça marchait 🙂

  5. Oh il a pas parler de word cup sur NES. Pour gagner, tu prend l'argentine avec le coup spécial abusé et tu tues tous les joueurs de l'autre équipe…. A la fin il reste plus que des cadavres sur le terrain, ça devient beaucoup plus simple….

  6. 9:12 veuillez mettre un casque ou des écouteurs si vous vous trouvez a proximité de vos parents

  7. Y a peut etre deja un com dessus mais la flemme de tout lire 😁

    Pour soccer le gardien ne fait pas n importe quoi! C est jusqu on le controle en meme temps que le joueur qu on controle. Ce qui est encore plus debile lol
    Et je ne parle pas des buts qu on mettait sans voir les cages (la cam est plus lente que l action)
    J avais bien rit a l epoque avec mon cousin

  8. Perso, niveau technique pour "masturber la manette", on utilisait une cuillère à café. Ça marchait super, sur Game Boy.

  9. Je suis mort je viens de remarquer après avoir regardé cette épisode plus de 100 fois comme tout les autres que jdg se fait appeler pepito Kawasaki

  10. World cup 90 sur NES, le meilleur jeu de foot, le plus drôle aussi, parceque j'étais tout le temps mort de rire quand j'y jouais. 😀

  11. 8 ans après, je me marre toujours avec les vidéos de JDG. Suis je le seul qui repense aussi à ces moments ou l'on révait de flinguer ce p#@&% de chien ?

  12. un bol de croquettes calinou dans un bon lait frais le matain, voilà le petit dej des vrais héros😂🤣

  13. les anciens JDG sont tops, mais quand on compare aux nouveaux, il y a quand même nettement plus de travail, c'est de plus en plus drole x)

  14. J'etais vraiment bon a california games , a force de pas avoir d'autres jeux a jouer , j'me souviens des sessions de surf avec la manette en vertical…
    J'ai mis du temps a comprendre la plupart des jeux mais j'ai réussi et j'adorais le bmx

  15. je veux pas faire un " ki regarde en 2019 lol " mais ce qui m'impressione le plus avec les jdg et d'ailleurs beaucoup de " vieux " youtuber de manière général ( pc; slg; wtc ect vous les connaissez aussi bien que moi ) c'est que autant j'adore les nouveaux, autant les vielles videos ont ce charmes kitsch… un peu comme un film des année 80 ou on pardonne absolument toutes les trucs chelou de l'epoque parce que ça rajoute au charme de la chose

  16. … Une anecdote très en retard, nous on avait Winter Games sur atari, et on y jouait à 4… Parce que mon père pensait que ce serait un super jeu que ses 4 enfants pouvaient jouer ensemble… Ca se terminait en pugilat généralement.

  17. CT mieu aven.
    Oh et PS: "White men can't jump"? Genre vraiment, c'est le titre du jeu? Personne semble être choqué du racisme présent dans le titre mais bordel, vous imaginez ce qui se passerait si quelqu'un sortait un jeu avec pour titre "Black man can't think"? Je veux pas faire le réac mais c'est quand même vachement chaud.

  18. des années après je viens de me rendre compte que la touche b1 et b2 de california games pour le surf c'est enfait bouton1 et bouton 2 plus une direction o_o

  19. 5:18: "Comme dit ma mamie, mettre du caca dans une crêpe n'en fait pas du nutella." Ah c'est dans cet épisode qu'il dit cette réplique culte, je ne m'en souvenais pas! Je la retrouvé!

  20. Qui est retourné sur cette vidéo après avoir jouer au mode histoire de «Mario & Sonic aux jeux olympiques de Tokyo».( Ceux qui y ont jouer savent de quoi je parle.)

  21. le mec dans les cages, c'est toi qui le contrôle , en même temps que le joueur de foot . Et oui , c'est complètement stupide . :/

  22. Demain, si je sors un jeu et que je l’appelle « les noirs ne savent pas skier », j’aurai 36 proces au cul et on m’aurait ostracisé pour racisme. Mais la, « white men can’t jump », c’est les blancs qui sont critiqués donc ca va on a le droit.

  23. Au briquet ca f moins mal track&field, m t as plus d bouton rapide et ton grand frere te double casse la tete parce qu en plus y perd…

  24. Pour track n'field y a la technique de la capsule. Tu prend une capsule " de bière " éventuellement. Celle que tu dégoupilles avec un briquet. Après tu la moules a la forme de ton doigt. Ça abime les boutons mais tu bats tous les records

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